Eating Disorders in Male Athletes

A Story of Misconceptions, Unknowns, and Misinformation

I started running in my sophomore year of high school when I realized that being a bench warmer on the JV soccer team was something that I no longer found all that fun or rewarding. My friend and I decided to quit soccer and switch to track and field , as we had always enjoyed sports and knew a few friends who ran distance track events. That first season myself and about 4 or 5 others made up the JV distance track squad, and I never had more fun in a sport before or since. It was relaxed and silly, but still we found the joys of competing and challenging one another and guys from other schools. Our coach would tell us to go run for 40 or 50 minutes, and since we were the JV guys, we would often run to our friends house to play basketball for that time, rather than actually train. This isn’t to say we never went for runs or pushed the pace on track intervals, but it was far from serious. By the end of that first season I had fallen in love with the culture and community of distance running, and decided to continue to run in the fall with cross country.

Steadily I began to run faster, my 5k times dropped, and I started doing runs and workouts with the varsity team. We were all good friends still, JV and Varsity, but during practice there was a clear distinction between the two when it came to following the training plan and taking things a bit more serious.

I ran more miles, made a training log, bought a gps watch, racing spikes, training flats, and actually started winning races. I was a varsity runner now, by no means anything special or record breaking, but I was competitive enough to run at the State Championships and win all the local community 5k races. The summer going into my senior year I started to look for the next ways to improve my results, my fitness, and my ability to win more prestigious races. Control crept in, and it planted itself firmly in my eating and running.

The Fall

As I started restricting my food I also ran more than I ever had. I got fast quick, and shortly there after got very slow and very injured. Up to that point I had a long history with anxiety and OCD, so take with that what you will, but by the end of that summer I was deep in anorexia and over exercising. I did well in a few of the early cross country meets, consistently running fast but I was not getting faster. If anything I was getting slower, and finding the energy to run was becoming more and more difficult. I resorted to running more and eating less, grasping to the control that I found to be so comforting. By the end of the season I was too injured to run consistently. I was very nearly last place at the state championship meet, what would actually be my last ever race. I withdrew myself from my friends and family. I stopped eating socially, would run by myself, and became what I consider to be as close to empty physically and mentally as I ever will. Those months of decline were dark, cold, and lonely.

Except that because I was a male, and an athlete, no one was concerned. They thought I was maybe a little grumpy sometimes, my coach told me to be sure to eat before races, but overall people would comment that I looked “fit” and that I was “dedicated”. All this did was create a positive feedback loop where I would continue down the path of slowly emptying my mind and body. My eating disorder was hidden in plain sight. It was only because of my mother that things started to change. Mothers must have some primal understanding of when their children are sick suffering. She was the person who spoke up, who challenged me, who got me on a scale and finally to a doctors office. She started me on the path to wellness, one that we thought would be simple, but years later have found it to be complex and at times unbearably challenging.

Males, anorexia and a way forward

Years later as I write this I can only give insight to my own experience as a male within eating disorder recovery. It is a process that will test your relationship to your friends and family. When I look back on it with hindsight I can appreciate that those around me, especially my parents, only wanted me healthy and happy. When I was stuck in my eating disorder I could only see that they wanted me to lose my control that I had on my life and my body, but what I couldn’t see was how that control had taken everything from me. It took away my friends and family, my ability to run at the collegiate level, my ability to enjoy the small things in life. You will hurt, it will be hard, and at times it will seem like there is no hope, or no way forward.

There is always a way forward.

Listen to those that love you and that care for your wellbeing. Not those that care about how fast you can run or how fit you look. Know that the way forward is unclear, there is no final destination. It is a directionless journey that I found was impossible to embark on without the support of my family and my girlfriend who is now my wife. It is a journey that, 5 years later I am still moving forward on, and still reaching success and setbacks.

Listen to those who have gone through similar experiences, where they found success, and where they experienced the most difficulties. If you are reading this and you know of someone, and you are concerned about them and their relationship with food and exercise, confront them. Confront them , whether they are male, female, or non-binary, and simply take a first step towards removing an eating disorder from its hiding place. Everyone will have a different path, but knowing that you are not alone is something I wish I had when I started.

As a male I found a few resources particularly helpful, many of these resources also extend to athletics in general, and the ways that eating disorders are embedded within. One place I recommend those who are assisting someone in recovery, or going through it themselves, is the https://trainbrave.org website that has additional information on the process of recovery for athletes and male athletes in recovery. Additionally I recommend giving this video about eating disorders in professional cycling a watch.